There is something really bizarre about knowing when your baby is going to arrive. I spent all of the night before petrified, thinking about the whole thing and what was going to happen the next day. I wasn't at all concerned about the operation itself, but about everything that came after that! The suddenness of going from being just the two of us (three if you count Lucy-Lou!) to having Charlotte in our lives and what that was going to involve was very overwhelming - needless to say, I didn't get much sleep the night before and unfortunately that was going to be the last time in a long while I would have the chance to get a full night of sleep!
B came with me to the operating theatre (that in itself felt weird - normally you say good bye to loved ones at a certain point but this time he came all the way!) I was 'parked' outside for a while as the anaesthetist had to do an emergency c-section but eventually we were in the operating theatre and things started happening.
Unfortunately I was carrying so much fluid that the anaesthetist had trouble finding the right spot to insert the needle into my spine and had to try a couple of times (!) but eventually she got going and suddenly everything started happening really quickly. I started to feel really nauseous and my blood pressure dropped a bit which felt horrid - the lack of sensation below my chest coupled with the lack of vision was really unnerving and contributed to my feeling of mild distress. But I was given some drugs to help bring up my blood pressure and stem the nausea and eventually I felt much better. Then the tugging and pushing started - now THAT's weird! To have your insides tugged and pulled like that, to be able to feel it but not really feel it... very strange! It's a bit like going to the dentist and having a tooth pulled - you don't feel the pain but you feel the pressure, you can hear what they're doing and have other sensations.
The anaesthetist's assistant took photos throughout the whole thing - I didn't realise until I looked at them exactly what was happening but it's a pretty cool thing! Eventually they said "here she is" and held her up over the screen for B and me to see. I couldn't believe it - literally, I could not believe it. The feeling was surreal - to see the baby that until just moments ago was wriggling around inside me. Both B and I had tears in our eyes.
The paediatrician and B took Charlotte over to another table and did their thing (cut the cord, attach the cord plug thingie, weigh and measure etc) and during that time I was cleaned up and stitched up.
Then B and Charlotte went back up to my room while I went to recovery for about 20 minutes. I was back in my room just after 9am and suddenly we were parents! B said the 20 or so minutes he was sitting in the hospital room alone with Charlotte was really strange - he didn't really know what to do except sit there and look at her (and wonder where I was and when I was coming back).
That first day and night was a bit of a blur - my Mum and Dad and B's Dad came in and held their new granddaughter and I dozed on and off.
I didn't get movement back in my legs until later that afternoon/early evening so I was pretty much stuck on the bed and couldn't even move myself up or down really. B sat with me the whole day and didn't leave the hospital until 10.30pm. It was horrible saying goodbye to him - I really wanted him to stay, but the chairs were very uncomfortable and he'd get more sleep at home in our own bed.
Because I had a c-section, Charlotte was taken away from me in the night and put in the nursery to allow me to get some sleep. I was amazed that, even on that first night, I kept waking up every few hours wondering where she was. It was like my body had already been programmed to expect her to be there and when I woke up and saw that she wasn't there, I had a moment of panic and then remembered where she was. The mid-wives brought her in to me for a feed around 1am but otherwise I didn't see her until 6am!
The next day I was up and about after my drip was removed, around 8am. I very tentatively had a shower and started packing my belongings. I was being moved to a bigger room with a queen size bed so that B could stay with me in the evenings. Once settled in the new room, I was immediately more comfortable and it felt good to spend the day just learning about our new baby and relaxing into parenthood with B at my side. We learnt about bathing her, I had a visit with a lactation consultant, I did some physiotherapy exercises, slowly started moving around from the bed to the bathroom etc. I wasn't in much pain, just feeling stiff and a bit sore in my stomach muscles. I was expecting to be in quite a bit of pain so to feel almost nothing afterwards was a pleasant surprise.
Our second night was also spent with Charlotte in the nursery - again, to give me rest. This time however they asked if I gave permission for her to have a supplementary feed of formula which we said was OK. We thought she'd come back in at some point during the night, but they kept her all night!! In the morning I found myself actually pleased to see her rolled back in to our room.
Unfortunately, having those first two nights away from Charlotte proved tricky because on night 3 we had our first night with her in our room full-time and she was horrid! She cried and cried and didn't settle after feeds and I was at the end of my tether. I eventually called in a midwife around 4.30am and she said she was probably hungry and I should give her some formula. She managed to get Charlotte to calm down and we were able to get some sleep. I knew then I was going to miss having that magic red call button by my bedside when we eventually went back home!
You might be wondering why there was so many offers of formula for Charlotte. Yes, I was breastfeeding but by day 2 my nipples were bleeding and cracked due to improper latching in those early hours following my c-section when I was too druggie and overwhelmed to really focus on if I was doing things correctly. This was also coupled with the impact that my breast reduction surgery had on my milk production - my breasts never swelled up, I never felt that 'hot' feeling that women talk about when their milk comes in, I ended up wearing the same bras I had before I got pregnant. So unfortunately, being able to breastfeed Charlotte 100% was going to be really difficult, and in order to ensure she had enough sustenance she was given a little bit of formula during those early days when my early milk would have otherwise been sustaining her.
At that point I didn't really mind - I just wanted her to feel full and comfortable. But the impact of this on me was felt much later, when I made the decision after 3 weeks to stop breastfeeding altogether. My nipples still hadn't healed and I was in constant pain, even when she wasn't on the breast. I was expressing in between each feed, trying to stimulate more milk production, but getting very little milk from my efforts. I was becoming stressed and more tired and I cringed whenever Charlotte went anywhere near my breasts. For our own sanity, we decided to stop the struggle and just do 100% formula by the time she was 3 weeks old.
I didn't realise then how much this would impact me emotionally. I felt like a complete failure and was really very depressed about not being able to breastfeed. I didn't think I would feel this way. After all, I knew there was a chance I wasn't going to be able to breastfeed, but it wasn't until after I stopped feeding her that I realised just how badly I wanted to do it. After my breasts healed, about 10 days after I made the decision to stop, I noticed a small droplet of milk on my nipple after a shower. So I put Charlotte on the breast to see if she'd still take it - she did, but I don't think she got very much milk and eventually she stopped sucking. But my gosh - the difference in how that felt compared to those early weeks was incredible. It felt fantastic - I wasn't in any pain, it felt natural to have her on my breast and I was really upset that I had given up so quickly. I know from a rational perspective that I really couldn't have done more than I did, that I couldn't reverse the effects of my surgery so I'd never produce enough milk for her. But to feel what it was 'supposed' to feel like to feed without pain and to just sit and enjoy your baby...... a small part of me will never forgive myself for not persevering for longer.
We went home after 5 days - on the Saturday before Easter Sunday. Wow - what a scary thing that was. For the previous 5 days we weren't allowed to leave the ward with Charlotte and my vitals were constantly being monitored and recorded etc. Then suddenly they say "off you go" and you're on your own. Buckling her into that car capsule and driving off (B did the driving) was extremely anxiety-provoking and I'll never forget how tentatively B drove that day!
Our new life as parents had begun and we were now on our own. As I sit here and write this, some 9 weeks later, I realise how 'green' we were, and how I wish I knew then what I know now! We had a very sharp learning curve ahead of us.
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